Crush Hour
by Weavillain
Summary: After Clyde "saves" Lola, she instantly becomes infatuated with him. Finding this new development bothersome, Clyde is eager to do whatever he can to get out of this mess...except by telling Lola the truth about his feelings.


**A/N:** I realize that this premise can go horribly wrong and be turned into something really cringey if I'm not careful. But then again, what's a life worth living if one can't get a little daring every now and then, am I right?

Oh well, at least if the reception's not all that great, I can enjoy the fact that today's my birthday and that I can hopefully block off all the hatred and vitriol. Fingers crossed.

Oh, and just in case anyone's curious, this takes places after "The Loudest Mission: Relative Chaos".

* * *

"Ah, what a beautiful Sunday. Nothing like the fresh Spring air, the chirping birds, the bright, yellow Sun, and the cloudless, blue sky to set the perfect mood for me to, once again, declare my undying, eternal love for…" Clyde's thoughts drifted to the girl of his infatuations and he let out a dazed sigh. "… _Lori_."

As usual, Clyde was on his way to hang out with Lincoln, walking down the familiar pathway of the sidewalk that connected his house to the Loud's. Today, however, he had another objective that didn't concern his best friend. Once again, he was going to try and woo Lori and this time, he had a plan.

And like any good plan, he was going to play it by the book; an actual book, in fact. Said book was pulled out of Clyde's pockets as the boy looked upon it with hope and determination in his eyes.

"Oh, and this English-to-French pocket dictionary should help me make the perfect love poem for her. After all, French _is_ the language of love."

He slipped it back inside its compartment as Clyde went back to monologuing out loud to himself with nary a care in the world.

"And if that doesn't work, I can always resort to saving up enough allowances to buy her a luxury yacht." He grinned as he added, "For two, of course."

Usually, Clyde never felt this ambitious about pursuing Lori all for himself but everything changed for him about a week ago. Ronnie Anne and Bobby had moved far away from Royal Woods to live with their extended family. Although it was sad to see Lincoln mope about Ronnie Anne's departure, that meant one very important thing to Clyde…

"With that nuisance Bobby out of the picture," he cackled as he rubbed his hands together, "this the perfect chance to get her to understand that our destinies are intertwined and that we were meant to be together. This time, oh this time, she _will_ be mine. Even today's horoscope agreed with me!"

Clyde just knew that today, everything for him would change.

What he didn't know, however, was that the change would be in a way that he didn't expect.

* * *

Within minutes, Clyde saw the Loud house from the horizon. The shining Sun made it difficult to see very far down, what with the rays reflecting their luminance in his eyeglasses, but he was sure he was approaching shortly. Just a little farther and…

"Help!"

Clyde stilled, the sensation of icy water chilling his blood. He knew that voice all too well.

"Lola!" Clyde cried, rushing towards he heard the voice coming from.

He ignored the toxic ebbing of his sore legs, from his brief sprint, as he came closer and closer to the source. Mercifully, as he approached the Loud's front lawn, the big tree blocked off the Sun, allowing Clyde to view the situation in front of him without obstruction. Clyde came to a stop as he settled on the sight before him; Lola was running in circles and swatting wildly about for whatever reason, looking beyond terrified.

"Help! Someone heeeeeeeelp!" she cried out again, more hysterically than the last.

"Lola?!" Clyde called out to her.

Lola's frantic motions came to a stop, looking at the front of her house and noticing the familiar of Clyde.

"C-Clyde?! Is that…"

The cease of motion ended when something spooked her and she resumed swatting and spinning around wildly, although she was no longer screaming at the top of her lungs anymore. Still, Clyde couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. Was Lola just pretending to be in trouble? Just a game she was playing? Or maybe she was just trying to get some attention?

Either way, Clyde wanted to know.

"What's wrong?! Are you okay?!" Clyde shouted.

"Don't let it sting me!" Lola yelled back.

At the word "sting", Clyde examined the situation more carefully and saw that there was a bee buzzing around Lola, swiftly dodging all of Lola's fear-fueled, hasty swipes.

Ah, so that was it! Lola was just freaked out about a bee and needed some help!

"Don't worry, Lola! I'll take care of everything!" Clyde said and looked around for what he needed.

Clyde had learned the three C's of "Big Brothering" from Lincoln a while ago but right now, he was relying on a fourth "C": critical thinking.

It took him a moment or two but at last, his eyes found the answer. Dashing past Lola, Clyde plucked a stray tulip out of the ground and hurried over to Lola. Taking care not to get hit by Lola's flailing, Clyde grabbed her around her waist with one arm, stilling her movements as she looked up to see what Clyde was doing despite her flight response telling her to run away from the menacing buzzing that filled her ears.

Without so much as showing a trace of trepidation at all, Clyde held up the flower towards the bee, who immediately began to hover towards it.

"That's it. Come to Clyde."

Clyde waited and watched as the striped insect continued to hover around the tulip…

Until at last, it perched itself within the flower. Not wanting to jostle it and provoke it to anger, Clyde warily shuffled away from Lola. Once he was on the other side of the front lawn, he gently set the flower down.

"There we go. _Niiiiiice_ and easy," he said gently before he dashed over to Lola's side, who looked at him with awe.

"You…you saved me," she said in whispered astonishment.

Clyde couldn't help it. He could feel his ego inflating a bit from his "heroic" deed.

"Aw, it was nothing," Clyde said, though his tone suggested he was humblebragging a little. "Bees aren't anything to be afraid of. Now, teacup poodles? _Those_ are a different story. See, there was this one time that Dr. Lopez brought her dog, Lila, into work one day and once it locked eyes with me, it…"

He stopped his story when he felt something pressing into him. He looked down and nearly leaped out of his skin.

Lola was looking up at him and flashing her teeth in the biggest toothy grin he'd ever seen on her face. Her eyes were also…gleaming, filled with pools of sparkling blue.

"Uh…Lola?"

Lola continued to stare at him, as if she wasn't acting strange at all.

"Loooooola?"

This time, not only did she not reply but Clyde noted that her cheeks began to fill with pink. That got him to bring a hand up to her forehead.

"Is everything okay? You look a little feverish," he said.

Lola quickly grabbed his hand and brought the palm up to the side of her face to nuzzle into it.

"Oh, everything's fine now. I've got such a brave, strong man to protect me," she cooed dreamily.

Clyde flinched at the gesture and laughed nervously. "Well, if you don't mind, Lola, this 'brave, strong man' wants to check up on your brother."

Before he had the chance to slip away and return to a sense of normalcy by getting as far away from Lola and her oddball behavior was possible, Lola grabbed onto his arm snugly.

"Lead the way, my noble hero," she said and battled her eyelashes.

Clyde just stood in disbelief for a few seconds, incapable of anything skin to speech or movement. Finally, he found his voice.

"Lola?"

"Yes?"

"Any reason why you're grabbing onto my arm like this?"

She let out an airy giggle. "Why, for protection, of course. I couldn't imagine being anywhere without _you_."

Clyde just shrugged and walked towards the front door to let himself be known all while Lola latched onto him as if he were a giant teddy bear. It weighed him down a bit, making an already confusing situation a slightly vexing one, too. Still, Clyde held no ill will towards Lola.

' _Okaaaaaaay, this…this is kinda weirding me out,'_ Clyde thought. _'Still, I guess it's not all that bad being appreciated. Besides, I'm sure Lola won't need to clutch onto me once we're inside the house and away from those bees.'_

* * *

Clyde was proven wrong once he got inside the house.

Lola hadn't unlatched herself off of Clyde's arm. Not for a single second. Every time he tried to squirm and wiggle free, she'd only tighten her grip. Relenting, he simply waited on the couch for the arrival of Lincoln, whom he had called on his phone once he got himself settled as comfortably as possible.

A minute later, Lincoln arrived, walking down the stairs while looking over the guardrail towards the living room.

"Hey, Clyde. How's it…" He stopped in sentence and in movement when he realized what was happening.

He gave Clyde a questioning look as he titled his head towards Lola, who was snuggling close to her "hero". Clyde could only shrug.

"Well, that's okay. I suppose we can still hang out with Lola here," Lincoln said and went over to sit by Clyde after he completed his little trip down the stairs.

He planned on playing some video games with his friend and whether Lola was here or not, that was exactly what he was going to do. Once he got to the TV, he turned on the game console, popped _Total Turbo XXII_ inside, and grabbed two wireless steering wheel controllers for him and Clyde to use. Once he passed one off to Clyde, Lincoln went to sit down next to his friend…

Until Lola swiped at him and hissed at him like he was a feral cat before she continued embrace Clyde, much to the boy's discomfort. Lincoln reeled back from the…catty display, fearing for his well-being.

"Something tells me I should sit on _this_ side of the couch," Lincoln said cautiously as he scooted all the way over onto the far end of the couch.

Wanting to inject the awkwardness with a semblance of familiarity, Clyde turned to Lincoln and asked, "You ready to play?"

Lincoln's shifted into narrowed slits, accompanied by a smirk.

"Just as long as you're ready to eat my dust," he said in playful haughtiness.

* * *

Clyde never considered himself a bad player at _Total_ _Turbo_ _XXII_. He and Lincoln often traded spots at the top of the score leaderboard. Sure, he wasn't an expert but at least he was competent enough to stand a chance. And now that they were playing on "Berserker Mode", where reckless driving was allowed and encouraged with points earned behind every dangerous act, it only gave him more opportunities to win as he sped off towards to the finish line. That is…

If Lola wasn't making driving nigh impossible. Using the wheel controller required free movements of his arms and with Lola clamping onto him like a vice, he could barely keep himself on the road. Not only that, her sighing and odd babbling would distract him, rendering his best efforts completely null as the noises threw him off his stride.

Clyde looked on as Lincoln's vehicle, which was far ahead of his, was steadily heading towards the finish line.

Lincoln sneered in triumph. "And with that, looks like Lincoln Loud has got this in the…"

Without warning, his controller was smacked out of his hand, landing on the floor and knocking out the batteries from their cartridge. Flabbergasted, he looked over and saw Lola glaring at him with folded arms.

"Lola!" he shouted. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"I refuse to let my Clyde lose to the likes of you!" Lola barked back. "Besides, you were totally cheating!"

"'My Clyde'?" Clyde asked in perturbance as he paused the game.

"Cheating?!" Lincoln asked. "Lola, there's no such thing as cheating in 'Berserker Mode' of _Total Turbo XXII_!"

Lola harrumphed indignantly. "So? Clyde drove _his_ car with honor."

"He drove into a hotdog cart to try and block me off the road with it!" Lincoln objected.

"Fine by me. Hot dogs are fattening and gross, anyways," Lola said.

Lincoln held up four fingers up to Lola's face.

"He ran over four old ladies!"

His derision did nothing to make Lola falter.

"That's what they get for looking at my Clyde funny."

"I repeat, 'my Clyde'?" Clyde asked once more, finding the expression more and more creepy by the second.

Lincoln managed to simmer down at this point but he was not about to let Lola's strange actions go unreprimanded, especially if they were going to bug him all day long.

"Look, Lola, I don't know why you're acting this way around Clyde, but it's getting annoying," Lincoln said sternly. "Just leave us alone so we can hang out in peace. Quit being a third wheel."

Suddenly, he was yanked down by his collar before he could react and found himself staring into the fiery eyes of his volatile little sister.

"Listen up, buster! I'm going to spend _my_ time with _my_ Clyde however I choose! So, if you know what's good for you, you better stay out of our way before Bun-Bun takes a dip in Lisa's chocolate fountain! Got it?!"

"No! Anything but that!" Lincoln cried in agony. "It'd take weeks to get all that chocolate out of his fur!"

He nearly had a close call with Bun-Bun nearly landing in Cliff's litterbox one time and did not want to replicate a disaster that would be even more bothersome to clean up than used cat litter.

"Alright. I'll stay out of the way," Lincoln sighed defeatedly.

Lola let him go, smirking smugly. "Good."

She zipped over to Clyde, grabbed him by the arm again, and motioned for him to follow her. Not wanting to get on Lola's bad side, despite his instincts telling him to decline, Clyde obeyed and allowed Lola to drag him towards the stairs.

"Come on, Clyde. Let's go somewhere a little more fitting for the both of us."

When they got to the bottom step, she looked over to Lincoln, who was picking up the batteries and busted controller off the floor.

"Oh, and Lincoln?" She spoke again once Lincoln turned to him. "I suppose it's not fair to keep you from seeing your friend. You can come with us, if you want."

When Lola's lips twisted into a mischievous little grin, both Lincoln and Clyde audibly gulped.

"After all, what's a tea party without a butler?" she enigmatically proclaimed.

* * *

Ever since the camping incident with Lincoln, Clyde learned to re-evaluate his definition of what manliness was all about and be comfortable with what he was always drawn to, whether they were "macho" or not.

He enjoyed daytime talk shows about women-related topics, he didn't mind trips to the clothing stores in the mall and heck, "Blarney the Dinosaur" was one of his favorite shows. So, it was needless to say that Clyde didn't care all that about being seen in "girly" situations…

But this was ridiculous! He never expected a tea party to be so emasculating! Stuffed toy guests? Classical background music? Pink, flowery tea cups? After only a few minutes of this "sophisticated occasion", as Lola called it, he vowed that he'd never allow himself to be caught dead in a situation like this.

And to make matters worse, the seats were low to the ground, making sitting in them uncomfortable for Clyde's legs as he tried and failed to adjust them to without folding them in at an awkward angle or knocking over the table and making Lola mad.

Lincoln didn't have it any better. Not only was he decked out in a ridiculous-looking butler outfut, Lola had ordered him about as she and Clyde conversed with aimless small talk. Thankfully, he was done with errands for now and just stood by as Clyde and Lola continued to chat.

"I'm so happy we get to share this lovely moment together," Lola sighed happily as he reached across her play table to grab her tea cup and take a dainty sip. "Aren't you?"

Clyde just mumbled a noncommittal, "Sure" and drank from his own tea cup. Once he sat it down, Lola asked him, "Another spot of tea?"

"I guess."

Four seconds of silence were allowed to pass before Lola looked up at Lincoln and growled, "Butler!"

"Yes, madam?" Lincoln replied in a measured tone with a bad British accent.

"Are you deaf?! My honored guest requires more tea and his cup is still empty! DO! YOUR! JOB!"

Lincoln grumbled and did as he was told while Lola rolled her eyes and faced Clyde again.

"I'm sorry about him. You just can't get good help these days," she said before shooting Lincoln another angry glare.

While Clyde helped himself to yet another taste of tea, Lola grabbed a cookie from the middle of the table and took a bite.

"Is the tea to your liking, Clydey-kins?" Lola asked after swallowing her snack.

Clyde quirked an eyebrow as he placed his cup down.

"'Clydey-kins'?"

The uneasy reply made Lola falter.

"You don't hate the name, do you?" she asked timidly.

A flash of panic spread through Clyde's body at Lola's fainted-hearted query. Untruthfully, he said, "Well, no, it's just…"

He stopped from going any further when Lincoln gave him a silent look that called him out for his lack of courage and it was enough to stir Clyde into confronting the issue he had had with Lola ever since she arrived.

This couldn't continue. It _had_ to be addressed.

"Lola, what's going on with you?" Clyde asked seriously. "Ever since I showed up here, you've been acting really…"

One more look at Lola, who looked like she was on the verge from exploding in anticipation, and Clyde started to have second thoughts. The last thing he desired was saying the wrong thing and setting Lola off.

"Really…um…Lincoln, help me out," Clyde said.

"Insane?" Lincoln offered snarkily.

Clyde winced at the suggestion but figured that there wasn't anything else to call Lola _but_ that.

"Yeah. That."

Lola dropped her cookie out of her lax fingers as her eyes began to water and her lower lip quivered.

"Insane? You think I'm...insane?"

"I mean, not insane, per se," Clyde said, trying to soothe her as best he could. "Just a bit kooky in the head, that's-"

He was cut off when Lola began to shed tears dramatically and sob as she buried her face in her hands. Immediately, Clyde rushed over to her side as he bent down and slung an arm around her shoulder.

"Oh no, Lola, don't cry. I swear, I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings."

Thankfully, Clyde's conscience was given reprieve when Lola ceased weeping, thought she still didn't meet Clyde's eye with her own as her hands continued to cover up her face.

"Lola, just tell me why you've been behaving so…" he was about to say "crazy" but halted before he could repeat his past mistake "… _differently_ with me today. That's all I want to know."

Lola sniffed, wiped her eyes, and glance up at him through her fingers.

"You want to know the truth?" she asked.

"Yes. That's all I want," Clyde said, happy that he was getting through to her at last.

She scrubbed away the last of her tears with her hands and cleared her throat. As if she hadn't just spent the last few seconds crying, Lola's creepy grin returned and to Clyde's dismay, it resembled what it looked like after he "saved" Lola from the bee.

"Well, Clyde, the truth is, after you rescued me from the dastardly clutches of that evil bumblebee, I realized how you and I…"

She paused to sigh and throw her head back while one of her hands laid upon her forehead.

"Were meant to be."

Simultaneously, Lincoln and Clyde's jaws dropped, leaving their mouths agape.

"What?!" the boys shouted in unison, disbelief seeping in the exclamation.

"The way you handled that wild beast was the most amazing feat of courage I've ever seen," Lola prattled on with no regard to either Clyde or Lincoln. "You swooped down from the heavens and rescued me like the bravest of knights. I've always wanted my own Prince Charming and now, I've found him in you!"

In a familiar but unsettling gesture, that was even more so with this new context, Lola quickly hugged Clyde around his arm.

"And I, of course, am your beautiful princess. See? We were meant to be. Aren't you happy for us?"

"I...I-I…" Clyde stammered, completely at a loss for words.

"Yes, Clydey-kins?" Lola crooned lovingly.

"Clydey-kins", summoning every reserve of strength he could, slipped out of Lola's arm.

"I think I hear my dads calling me! Gotta go!"

Clyde bolted out the room as fast as he could, leaving Lola in his dust. She quickly tore after him while Lincoln followed her closely behind. The siblings stopped at the top of the staircase and were just in time to see Clyde jolt down the stairs with everything he had as he made a beeline to the front door.

"Wait! I need to know which day you want our wedding to be on!" Lola called as Clyde nearly tore the front door off its hinges and ran out, disappearing out of sight completely.

Lola let out a sharp, "Dang it!" and turned to Lincoln, who just stood by dumbfounded at everything that had just transpired.

Her little sister? Had a crush on his best friend? That topped the list of paranormal activity that he never imagined could be possible.

"Well, don't just stand there," Lola growled and jabbed a finger squarely into Lincoln's chest. " _You're_ going to be the best man, and it's up to you to tell me everything I need to know about him to make sure that the ceremony is to his liking."

Lincoln's gasket blew at the ridiculous, outlandish demand.

"Best man?! Weddings?! Lola, you've gone completely bonkers!" he cried as he threw his hands up. "Don't you think you ought to-"

"Chocolate fountain."

"And best man, it is!" Lincoln said with an overly cheery grin plastered on his face.

"Excellent," Lola said and took Lincoln by the hand before she headed back to her room. "Now come along. We're going to start with catering first."

* * *

It had been hours since Clyde had run for his life, zipped back home, and locked himself in his room. After breathing into around thirty-three brown paper bags, Clyde was at his wit's end as his control at his sanity slipped further and further away from him.

This was a catastrophe! Once again, the hand of misfortune played against him in his pursuit for Lori's heart. He was deprived of getting the chance to see Lori like he had wanted, Lola, of all people, developed a major crush on him, and to top it all off, if his ears weren't deceiving him, she wanted to marry him and do it soon, at that!

Just when Clyde was about to hop off his bed and go for another paper bag, his pocket vibrated. Perking up, he quickly reached into the pocket and procured his cellphone and looked at the screen.

It was Lincoln! Surely, he had come up with a way to get him out of this mess by now!

He quickly held the phone up to his ear after he pressed the call button.

"Hello?! Lincoln?!" Clyde shrieked as he rocked back and forth in a fetal position.

" _Hey, Clyde. Listen, we've got to-"_

"Lincoln, we have to do something about Lola! Pronto!"

" _Look, I-"_

"I mean, I like Lola and all but not like _that_!"

" _I know, Clyde, I know. Just-"_

"Besides, I'm too young to get married! What would my dad say?! What would my _other_ dad say?!"

" _Clyde-"_

"And let's not even bring my Nana into the picture, okay?! You don't want to know what she's capable of when she's angry!"

" _ **CLYDE!**_ "

Clyde immediately yanked the phone away and winced as his eardrum buzzed from the loud intrusion. He switched the phone onto speaker mode and placed it in front of him while he scratched the inside of his throbbing ear canal.

"Sorry," Clyde said, no longer spiraling.

" _It's okay,"_ Lincoln replied calmly. " _I get it. You're freaked out about Lola's crush on you, and you don't know how to handle it."_

"It's not just that, Lincoln," Clyde said as he clutched at his head. "There's no way Lori and I can be together if Lola keeps getting in the way, and something tells me she won't give up on me no matter what."

" _And that's where I come in."_

Clyde could practically see the self-assured grin behind that statement and felt hope bubbling in his belly.

"What're you gonna do? Did you come up with a plan on how we can fix this?" Clyde asked expectantly.

" _Well, not yet. But don't worry, Clyde. By tomorrow, I'll have come up with something that'll save you."_

Wiping away the sweat that had built up on his forehead, Clyde breathed a sigh of relief.

"That's a relief. Thanks, Lincoln. You're a lifesaver."

" _But there's one small problem."_

Clyde's pupils dilated as his eye widened. "P-problem?"

" _Yeah. See, we're gonna have to make sure that Lola's not in love with you as soon as possible. Not only does she go to school with us, but she also knows where you live, too."_

Clyde instinctively peered out his bedroom window for any signs of Lola before he looked back at his phone. What Lincoln said was, unfortunately, correct. Lola _did_ know where he lived, knowledge that she acquired about ever since she and her other sisters ran to his dads for attention.

" _And now that I think about it,"_ Lincoln said, " _that leads to another problem."_

" _Anothe_ r one?!" Clyde screeched.

" _Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy!"_

Clyde nodded, although he was still high-strung.

" _Don't lose your cool,"_ Lincoln assured. _"Unlike the first one, this one's not a real biggie. Since Lola's probably going to be looking for you tomorrow during lunch, we're gonna have to make sure she doesn't spot you so I can tell you about my plan by then. That's why during our lunch break, we're gonna have to break out 'Emergency Procedure 12-TC' until I know she's no longer around."_

Clyde scowled. "Aw, man! 'Emergency Procedure 12-TC'?! I _hate_ that procedure!"

" _I know, buddy, but it's what needs to be done. Just sit tight and let me handle this, okay?"_

Clyde frowned at the crossroads he had essentially arrived at but realized that between marriage to Lola and "Emergency Procedure 12-TC", he'd pick the latter over the former in a heartbeat, eleven times out of ten.

"Alright, Lincoln," Clyde sighed. "I guess we don't have a choice. Again, thanks for looking out for me."

" _Don't mention it. I want things to go back to normal for both yours and Lola's sakes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make sure the wedding cake is marble with butterscotch frosting and strawberry filling or else Bun-Bun gets drenched in melted chocolate. See ya later."_

The call ended before Clyde could reach over and do it himself. Now, with nothing left to do but try and wait until it was time to eat dinner and head off to bed in peace, Clyde thought about what had transpired between him and Lola.

Even though, yes, he was freaked out by Lola's behavior and found the idea of being in love with her unsettling and downright impossible to find any joy in, amidst his angst, he couldn't help but feel a little flattered. It was the first time that he received affection from a girl and even though it wasn't Lori, it was at least something.

Regardless, he knew that he couldn't obtain Lori's affections or hang around Lincoln with Lola buzzing about and her feelings had to be dealt with ASAP. In his mind, Lincoln's intervention was crucial and necessary. He could be called a coward for not wanting to directly tell Lola his true feelings but when he honestly told her that he thought she was acting weird, her tears brought him a miserable pang of guilt. It nearly made him sick to see her heart merely break from _that_ and he dreaded what would happen if he made it shatter completely.

Besides, as someone who knew what it felt like to fail at gaining someone's affection, Clyde didn't want the same thing to happen to Lola if he told her the truth. He also had a gut feeling that there was also a good chance that Lola wouldn't even listen to him anyways. Could anyone that entrenched in love be reasoned with? Clyde wasn't sure it could be done.

Whatever Lincoln would come up with by tomorrow, hopefully, it wouldn't end with Lola crying.

* * *

 _The next day…_

"Lincoln?"

Lincoln paused before he took take another bite of his salami sandwich. He looked across from the lunch table he was sitting at and saw Lola sitting across from him with an inquisitive look.

Knowing what she was going to ask, Lincoln pretended to be none the wiser.

"Hmm?" he hummed disinterestedly.

Lola leaned forward. "Have you seen my Prince Charming anywhere?"

"Haven't seen him," Lincoln said with a shrug as he resumed eating his lunch.

Lola tapped her chin and squinted. "That's odd. He's usually with you all the time."

Before Lincoln could continue the façade of ignorance, Lola gasped as she brought her hands up to her cheeks and blushed.

"He must be shy! How adorable! He's not only rugged and brave, but he's got a sensitive side, too! He really is the perfect man!"

Lincoln watched as Lola ran off to look for her "fiancé/boyfriend/lover/whatever Lola wanted him to be". Once he saw her zip out of the cafeteria, he lightly tapped the trash can that was stationed right behind him.

"The bride-to-never-be has left the cafeteria," he said.

The trash can's lid flew off as Clyde popped out and quickly breathed in clean air after being trapped inside the waste cubicle for about ten minutes or so. After a few inhales, he looked to Lincoln.

"Oh, thank goodness! I don't think I could've survived another minute cooped up in there!"

"Well, that's what 'Emergency Procedure 12-TC' does to ya, I'm afraid," Lincoln replied as he opened his applesauce pack and fished inside his lunch bag for a plastic spoon.

"Well, that procedure literally stinks," Clyde said. A cursory glance at his feet made him retch. "Yuck! And I even think there's vomit in here!"

"Either that or today's lunch special," Lincoln said. "It all looks and smells the same. Why else do you think I bring my own lunch?"

Dwelling on vomit was the last thing Clyde wanted to do so he diverted the conversation in the direction that he had wanted to go towards all along, anyways.

"So, were you able to come up with a plan?" Clyde asked.

"Nope," Lincoln replied tersely.

Clyde's spirit was crushed. Nothing? After everything that Lincoln promised, he couldn't pull through? Now what?

Before Clyde could ask him just that, he took pause at the self-satisfied on Lincoln's face.

"I came up with three," Lincoln clarified. "I didn't have too much time to brainstorm at home so I made them during history class about an hour before now. We gotta be prepared just in case the first one doesn't work but I'm sure it won't come down to that."

A relieved Clyde chuckled. Lincoln really had him going for a second.

"Awesome! Lay 'em on me, Lincoln!"

Lincoln leaned and whispered every single plan he had come up with and Clyde couldn't keep from rocking back and forth giddily in the trash as did. By the time Lincoln was done, Clyde was a mountain of unyielding optimism.

"This is gonna be great! There's no way Lola will be smitten by me once we're through!"

Abruptly, Lincoln pushed Clyde back into the trashcan as he barked, "Quick! Hide!"

Getting the hint, Clyde took the trash can lid and put it back in place…

Just in time for Lola to quickly return to the lunch table.

"There you are!" she shouted excitedly.

Lola scanned the near vicinity and groused in disappointment when she couldn't find her "beau".

"Huh. I could've sworn I heard him over here," she grumbled and flounced away.

Once Lola was out of sight, Lincoln was about to give Clyde the signal that the close was clear but before he could, Clyde groggily stated, "Yep. Definitely vomit."

* * *

 _A few hours later; at the Loud residence…_

The first of Lincoln's first operations was underway. Lincoln waited for Lola to become preoccupied in her room before he took his post by her door and gave Clyde permission, via walkie-talkie, to come out from his hiding spot, which was in the bushes of the backyard.

" _This is Mudslide to Earthworm,"_ Clyde said through the communicator. _"I have visual on the target. Repeat, I have visual on the target. Do you read me? Over."_

"Copy that. Over," Lincoln replied lowly through his own walkie-talkie.

" _Requesting permission to engage. Over."_

"Permission granted. Time to execute 'Operation: Get Lola To Stop Liking You By Playing Around In The Mud and Grossing Her Out and Think of a Shorter Name For This Operation'. Over."

* * *

At once, Clyde closed the gap on the mud puddle before him by leaping in. As soon as he hit the slimy, cold gunk, he felt himself shiver. Getting this dirty was never something he truly enjoyed but if this was going to get Lola to fall out of love with him, he'd just have to deal with it. Besides, he brought another set of clothes with him and they were tucked away in his hiding bush, so it wasn't as if he had to walk around muddy all day.

He spent a little while getting used to the mud, wading around in the soupy, shallow pool by splashing about a bit. He only needed to ham up the antics once Lola showed up but that didn't mean that he couldn't get used to it.

"Clyde!"

Clyde turned his head towards the door that led from the backyard to the kitchen. There, was a blonde six-year-old that resembled Lola physically but most certainly wasn't Lola. The clothing, along with her evident enthusiasm for the mud, was a dead giveaway to that testament.

"Room in there for one more?!"

Clyde wasn't one to stand in the way between Lana and her love for all things dirty but the plan didn't call for Lana being involved.

"Well, actually, Lana," Clyde said, preparing to send Lana away, "you shouldn't be-"

He stopped himself when Lana, as cheery as always, sped towards the pool, aiming to build up enough momentum before she could execute a proper…

"CANNONNBALL!" Clyde cried along with Lana as he got out of the way in time before he and Lana could collide.

The wave of mud splashed him in the face, prompting an emerging Lana to point and giggle before she started slinging mud at Clyde. Coaxed into the merriment, despite his discomfort, Clyde joined in on the fun and traded flinging mudballs with her.

* * *

"This had better be good, Lincoln," Lola said immediately after opening the door. "I'm trying to get the perfect seating arrangement for my wedding."

"That can wait!" Lincoln exclaimed in fake excitement. "You have to come see what Clyde's doing in the backyard!"

Lola's sour mood gave way to the thrill of hearing her beloved's name and the joy brought about from the news of his arrival.

"My Clydey-kins is here?! Well, why didn't you say so before?!" she shouted gleefully and barreled down the stairwell faster than Lincoln had ever seen from her before.

Lincoln managed to catch up to her, at last, just in time to see her halt at the open door in the kitchen.

"Clydey-kins?" he heard her ask in disbelief.

Lincoln walked over to where Lola stood stiffly and smiled at what he saw; even though Lana wasn't supposed to be a factor, the bottom line was, Clyde was playing around in the mud, spurting mud out of his mouth with robust.

He didn't even need to see Lola's face; he could tell that she was rattled enough to be shocked and disgusted at Clyde. Mission successful.

"Oh, hey, Lola! What's up!" Clyde said as he and Lana waved at her. "Lana and I are just playing around in this really dirty, icky, sticky, gooey puddle of mud! Wanna join us?!"

Lola just stared blankly at the scene.

"How…how could she?" Lola said with a snarl. "My own sister…betrayed me."

Lincoln reeled back. That wasn't the reaction he was looking for. He wanted disgust at Clyde, not anger at Lana. Speaking of Lana, Lincoln knew that if she didn't flee immediately, she'd be in a lot of…

" _ **LANA!**_ "

Trouble.

"You get away from my Clydey-kins right now!" Lola yelled as she zoomed in on the muddy duo, her focus entirely on Lana.

Though Lana didn't usually fear her twin, it didn't take a mental giant to know that if one was in the crux of Lola's warpath, that individual had only one option for survival: _run_.

"Uh-oh! Gotta bail! Maybe next time, Clyde!" Lana said as she got out of the way and dashed off towards the kitchen right before Lola could close in on her.

Instead of giving chase like everyone expected, Lola jumped into the mud herself, not minding how her pink gown got drenched in the wet, clumpy mess.

"If anyone's playing in the mud with my Prince Charming, it's me! No one else!"

With that off her chest, Lola turned her attention to Clyde and embraced him before he could escape.

Meanwhile, Lincoln couldn't believe his eyes. Not even mud could keep Lola from being smitten with his friend.

' _This is way more serious than I thought. Better break out the next operation and fast,'_ Lincoln thought.

* * *

Getting Clyde cleaned up was easy. What was hard was waltzing into a certain pale-skinned poet's room and convincing said poet to go along with their scheme, a truth that Lincoln and Clyde were soon acquainted with.

"And why am I doing this again?" Lucy asked as she held the poem that Lincoln had given to her.

"Because you're the kindest, nicest, most adorable little sister a brother could ask for and we could really use your help," Lincoln said, his tone pleading.

"You had me until adorable," Lucy said, a flair of indignation in her voice. "There's nothing cute about the macabre."

Sensing their chance slipping away, Lincoln begged, "Wait! I'll let you have my dessert for a whole week if you do this."

Lucy mulled over the offer for a few seconds and then, to Lincoln's elation, said, "Make it a month, and you've got yourself a deal."

Now realizing what she was signing herself up for, Lucy groaned.

"Sigh. I just hope that Lola's not a believer in shooting the messenger," she said as she headed to the twins' bedroom to deliver the message from the boys to one Lola Loud.

Lincoln and Clyde looked on from their vantage point of Lucy and Lynn's bedroom as they peered around the doorway and watched Lucy play her role.

"Alright," Lincoln said. "Time for "Operation: Get Lola To Stop Liking You By Sending Her A Mean Poem and Think of a Shorter Name For This Operation".

Upon hearing the name of the operation, Clyde winced.

"I dunno, Lincoln," Clyde said apprehensively. "It sounded fine to me at first, but don't you think this is a little mean? I don't wanna make Lola cry."

Lincoln frowned. Now wasn't the time to chicken out.

"Clyde, she's going to cry whether you let her down gently or not," Lincoln replied firmly. "Besides, she's not going to listen to reason, and you know it. We have to strike hard, fast, and unexpectedly. It's the only way we'll get through to her."

That was the last of the objections from Clyde. He didn't want Lola to be sad, but he couldn't argue with Lincoln's logic.

Lola had to fall out of love with Clyde and soon. Not only did she depend on it but his future with Lori was at stake!

* * *

Lucy knocked on the door and waited for Lola's arrival. She didn't have to wait long as the door opened and Lola shuffled out, looking disappointed at her guest.

"Oh, it's just you, Lucy. What'd you want?" Lola grumbled.

"Special delivery for Miss Lola Loud," Lucy recited the words that Lincoln had told her to say.

That got Lola's attention before she could sulk away in disinterest.

"For moi?"

"It's from…" Lucy groaned and grit her teeth. "…Clydey-kins."

Lola squealed as Lucy rolled her eyes and held up the poem to her face to read it.

" _Lola, Lola, Lola,_

 _When will you even learn?_

 _You're awful, smelly, and putrid,_

 _And you make my stomach churn._

 _No amount of makeup,_

 _Or gloss or glitz or class._

 _Could ever stop you from looking,_

 _Like the planet's ugliest lass._

 _Just looking at the sight of you,_

 _Is enough to make me flee._

 _There's nothing more grotesque than you,_

 _Please stay away from me."_

With that last line read, Lucy didn't bother to register Lola's emotions and let the poem fall from her hands as she headed towards Lincoln and Clyde. She soon joined them as they all watched what was sure to be Lola's imminent meltdown.

* * *

"Oh no," Clyde whispered as she saw Lola just stare off into space.

He couldn't tell what she was thinking but she just had to be devastated. She _had_ to be. He almost wished he could take everything that was said in that poem back but Lincoln's words reminded him of why this horrible deed was being done in the first place.

But still, he was going to walk over there and let Lola tell him off. She deserved that much, at least.

"Oh, Clydey-kins! What a clever man you are!" Lola declared as she snatched up the poem off the floor and held it to her chest.

The trio, including the monotone, stoic Lucy, gasped.

"Testing our destiny with such a crude letter! You just wanted to see if I was going to stay committed, didn't you?! But fear not, my future husband! Our love will stand against the test of time! I just know it will!"

With that, she shut the door. Lucy was the first to recover from the shock of Lola's actions and tugged at Lincoln's collar until he was looking at her.

"I expect you to hold up your end of the bargain. If not, let's just say that Fangs likes the taste of the blood of weaselly older brothers," she said.

Lincoln growled, both at his dessert being wasted for nothing and for his second plan getting thrown asunder. He pulled Clyde away from Lucy's room and brought him into a huddle in the middle of the hallway.

"You know what this means, right, Clyde?" Lincoln asked.

Clyde swallowed hard. Oh, he knew alright but given how he was banking on the first plan working out in his favor the most, he wasn't looking forward to initiating it.

"Yep. The most dangerous operation of 'em all," Clyde said wearily. "But at least it'll be the most effective."

"Oh yeah," Lincoln assured. "By the end of this, there's no way that Lola will have a crush on you."

"I just hope she doesn't hurt me too badly," Clyde grimaced as he thought about how things could go wrong for him.

Unlike Operation #2, instead of Lola possibly getting hurt, the upcoming operation had a high possibility of _him_ getting hurt.

And next to a prank-obsessed Luan, Clyde feared what a peeved Lola could accomplish in the "bodily harm" department the most out of all of Lincoln's sisters. He heard the horror stories from Lincoln; by the end, he would have a face that a father couldn't love.

* * *

Clyde rocked back and forth on his heels as he waited outside of Luan and Luna's room. Though he didn't look like it on the outside, he was a nervous wreck on the inside. Two of Lincoln's seemingly bulletproof plans had gone down the toilet and this was the last one. Clyde didn't often question Lincoln's plans but he was having his doubts.

What if this one failed, too? What then? What were they supposed to do about Lola? What was he supposed to do about Lori?

He was so engrossed in musing that he failed to notice Lincoln exiting the room, with a large yellow book under his arm, until he heard the door slam shut. Then, Lincoln gave the book over to Clyde.

"Is this it?" Clyde asked as he looked at the wordless book cover.

"Yep," Lincoln confirmed. "All eight-thousand four hundred seventy-three of Luan's puns are in this book. She let me borrow it without having to give her anything."

A shiver gripped his spine as he recalled what Luan had said to him before he left.

"The only downside is that if anything bad happens to it…"

* * *

 _Luan leaned in, manic grin spread across her face._

" _Well, let's just say that for you, Lincoln, it'll be Aprils Fools for you every day. Get it?"_

* * *

Clyde shuddered at the thought of an unhinged Luan while Lincoln debriefed him of what needed to be done.

"Now, remember the plan?" Lincoln asked.

Clyde nodded. "Yep. I just have to read some of these awful puns to Lola, pretend to enjoy them, and once Lola's had enough, she'll never want anything to do with me ever again."

"Don't forget, I calculated a seventy-eight percent chance that she'll pummel you into the carpet if you keep it up but for both your sakes, you'll just have to deal with whatever comes," Lincoln reminded him.

"Understood."

"Great. Now, it's time for…ah, you know what? Who needs the operation name? Let's just get this over with."

Clyde did as the plan instructed and approached Lola and Lana's bedroom while Lincoln looked on from afar.

"Oh, Lola?" he called sweetly.

The door opened quickly, revealing his "fiancé/girlfriend/lover/whatever else Lola wanted to be to him.

"Clydey-kins!" Lola chirped as she ran up to Clyde and hugged him.

"You better not be coming in here to sneak a peek at my wedding dress," she said teasingly. "You know you're not supposed to see it before the big day."

"Um, can we deal with that later?" Clyde asked anxiously as he flipped the book open. "There's actually something I wanna show you first."

"Of course!" Lola exclaimed and pushed away to give Clyde some room.

Mustering up courage, Clyde initiated the unnamed operation.

"I've been reading some jokes lately and they're real gutbusters. Wanna hear 'em?" he asked as his eyes scanned the pages for a good pun to use.

"Cute, charming, dashing, daring, _and_ funny, too?" Lola declared with flair. "Will you ever cease being such a perfect man?"

' _There goes that sickly feeling in my gut again. Just hold it down until you can get through this,'_ Clyde thought as he finally landed on one that he was sure would get Lola boiling mad.

"Okay, what did the father say to his dirty son?"

When Lola shrugged, Clyde went in for the kill.

"It's time to take a shower! _Water_ you waiting for?!"

Before he could so much as let out a few forced chuckles, Lola threw herself on the floor and began to literally roll around while laughing her head off.

Clyde looked back at Lincoln in panic, who just motioned for him to keep rolling with it. While Lola snorted and guffawed, Clyde hurriedly scoured the book for another pun until he found yet another one that looked like prim pickings.

"Hey, Lola, do you want to have a seat on my new recliner or could you not _chair_ less about it?"

To his astonishment, it only made Lola howl with even more laughter. Sweat began to drop down his face from the anxious haste and unbeknownst to him, his perspiration started to drop down into the pages and soak through.

Once he found another "good" pun, he prayed that this would be the one to break the camel's back.

"I tried to eat a clock once but it was way too time consuming."

Lola's fists pounded on the floor as her fits of laughter transcended anything that Clyde was possibly from a recipient of Luan's brand of puns.

Defeated, he just sighed and did nothing as Lola calmed down while she rose to her feet.

"Clyde, you're a riot!" she squealed. "I'm so lucky to have you!"

She gave him another quick hug before she told him, "I'd love to spend more time with you but for now, I must go. I have to make sure that our wedding will be one to remember. So, for now, my love, we must depart."

Clyde just slouched his shoulders as he grimly looked up at the ceiling. He spotted Lincoln trundling towards him through the corner of his eye but didn't acknowledge him by turning his head around.

"It's over," Clyde said, his head and shoulders slumped down.

His life was ruined now and there was nothing else that he could do. Lincoln tried his best but it just wasn't good enough.

"I'm sorry, Clyde," Lincoln said sadly. "I really thought I had everything under control."

Clyde's head drooped down. "Now what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to get Lori to love me with Lola breathing down my neck?"

Lincoln put a hand on Clyde's shoulder, prompting Clyde to look at his friend and the swell of determination prominent on his face. He still had hope? After he had failed three times?

"I guess we could always go back to the drawing board," he said.

Clyde gave Lincoln a shrug and followed Lincoln over his room. His strategy wasn't much to go on but he supposed that moping around all day wouldn't solve anything.

Maybe, just maybe, Lincoln would find something akin to an answer.

* * *

Lola removed her ear from the door. She took a few seconds to process everything that her Clydey-kins had just told her brother. Normally, a situation like this would've sent the six-year-old in a torrent of rage but not now. She was far too stunned, both at the revelation she just so happened to have overhear and at how she was dumb enough not to have seen this coming.

"Lori," she growled under her breath. "How could I be so stupid? It makes sense that he would still have some feelings for his first love."

Lola dealt with her problems in many ways that anyone thought would be impossible for a six-year-old to utilize but then again, Lola was anything but a normal little girl. If there was anything she wanted the most in life, it was to always stay ahead of the pack. Whether she was competing on stage in a pageant or trying to stay ahead of her own siblings, Lola lived every day like she was number one.

And anybody, or anything, that got in the way of that walk of life had to be dealt.

"But I won't have to worry," Lola beamed evilly as a scheme began to simmer. "Once Lori's out of the picture, I'll be the only one that he'll focus on and then, our royal wedding will go off without a hitch."

* * *

 _One hour later…_

Lori returned home after an unsuccessful round of some afterschool shopping at the mall. It was quite a shame, really. With Luna's birthday coming up soon, she had hoped that she'd be able to find something to buy in time for the special occasion but was met with failure as everything good was above her budget.

All that was left was to get a start on her homework and once she approached her bedroom door and opened it, it would only be a matter of time before…

"What the?"

Before something as weird as this greeted her upon her return? No, she wasn't originally going to go with that but still…what the heck was going on here? Why was Lola sitting on her bed and more importantly, why was she in her room without her permission in the first place?

She glowered at Lola, ready to march over there and set her bratty little sister straight.

"That's right, Lori. It's me, your rival in love," Lola said, hopping off the bed and shuffling slowly towards her professed enemy.

Lori's anger subsided and she squinted at the term. "'Rival in love?'"

"You heard me!" Lola shouted and stopped when she was but a few feet away. "I know all about you and Clydey-kins' past, and I'm here to remind you that it doesn't matter anymore. He has _me_ now."

"'Clydey-kins'?" Lori questioned. "Who the heck is…"

She paused, realization taking root. "No way."

A few errant giggles escaped as her eyes grew half-mast.

" _You_ have a crush on Clyde?!"

When all Lola did was glower defiantly, Lori threw her head back and cackled. Her laughter subsided after a few seconds and she took a moment to wipe a tear from her eye.

"That is literally the funniest thing I've ever heard!" Lori said between guffaws and chuckles.

"Oh yeah?!" Lola said. "You won't find it so funny when you're no longer a problem for me!"

Lori's laughter died down enough for her to respond properly, though she still had an amused grin on her face.

"Hey, don't let me stop you and your 'true love' for one second," Lori said defensively. "Believe me, Clyde's a friend at best."

Lola's persistent scowl told Lola that she wasn't buying her heartfelt sentiments. Given how much everyone in her family knew how much she loathed putting up with Clyde's advances, the fact that Lola wasn't seeing that raised concern within Lori.

"Nice try! Don't try to weasel your way out of this! I know that you're going to steal him from me eventually and now, I have no choice but to make you disappear!"

Lori gulped. "Disappear?"

Lori didn't need to be told twice that Lola's temper was something to be feared, especially with the mafia-esque threat of making her "disappear" behind her ire. She watched as Lola slowly reached into her gown, obviously to retrieve something. A million possibilities came to Lori and none of them promised a pleasant outcome in Lola's crazed hands.

However, in an unforeseen turn of events, Lola pulled out not a bat, a tire iron, or brass knuckles…

...but a small, yellow plastic wand. Waving it above her head in a circle, Lola shouted, " _Disappearus Lori Loudus!_ " and pointed it at her with her eyes closed.

She blinked them open and growled when an un-disappeared Lori stood before her.

"Come on!" she cried and repeated the incantation and pointed her weapon at her target.

Again, she was met with failure. Upon failing for a second time, Lola began to shake the wand harshly.

"Why won't this stupid thing work?!"

Lori, having seen enough, wanted to get as far away from Lola as possible until her craziness blew over. When she turned around to leave, she saw Lincoln by the doorway and motioning for her to come with him. Lori cast Lola another glance before she ran down the hallway with Lincoln.

"Hey, what'd you know?! It worked after all!" they heard Lola elate as Lincoln led her inside his bedroom.

Once they locked themselves inside, Lori was greeted by another sight that she hadn't expected. There was Clyde, waving to her from Lincoln's bed.

"Hi, Lori," he said dazedly with the dorkiest of smiles on his face.

"Hello, Clyde," Lori replied unenthusiastically as she rolled her eyes.

"Did you do something with your hair? It looks really shiny, almost as shiny and pure as the depths of your soul."

She sucked her teeth at the compliment. "How flattering."

"Ugh, we don't have time for this!" Lincoln groused as he sternly glared at Clyde. He returned his focus back to Lori. "Lori! Thank goodness, you're here! We really need your help!"

"Let me guess, does it have anything to do with our pageant-obsessed sister, who's been bitten by a bad case of the lovebug for your friend?" Lori asked dryly.

"That's exactly what the problem is, actually," Clyde said. "How'd you know?"

Lori looked back and jabbed a thumb at the door.

"I had a run in with the loon after I came back from the mall. And I thought the deals on those designer shoes were the only crazy things I'd be seeing today."

Clyde leapt off the bed to give Lori a once over from up close to check for bruises.

"Are you okay? She didn't hurt you, did she?" Clyde asked in a worrywart fashion.

Lori took a few steps back to further the distance between them.

"No, but I'm almost sure she's _going_ to if nothing's done about her. She thinks I'm trying to take Clyde away from her and is trying to make me disappear or whatever."

Suddenly, another idea came to Lincoln.

"Wait a second!" he said eagerly as he pointed to Lori. "I think we have the answer right in front of us!"

"Who? Me?" Lori questioned.

"Yes! Lori, _you're_ the key to everything!"

Lori gesticulated for Lincoln to explain himself, which Lincoln quickly did.

"Lola's always confident in herself. She'd never want to get rid of anyone or anything if she didn't think it was a threat to her. If we can somehow convince Lola that Lori and Clyde are a couple, there's no way that she'll keep trying to go after him anymore. By then, she'll know there's nothing she can do anymore and she'll have to move on."

What?! _That_ was Lincoln's master plan?! Lori was beginning to wonder if Lincoln was being affected by some crazy viral infection that had gotten to Lola, too.

Clyde beamed. "That sounds like-"

"The worst plan in history!" Lori said over him. "I'd rather kiss a porcupine than pretend to be Clyde's girlfriend for even half a second!"

"Lori, come on! It'll just be for just a few minutes!" Lincoln protested.

"No! Not happening!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Come _ooooooon_."

"No, no, no!"

Before Lincoln could try his hand at begging again, Lori cut him off.

"Forget it, Lincoln! There is no way on Earth that you can get me to agree to…"

She stopped for a moment when she just so happened to glance at Clyde, who was still locked in his classic love trance over her.

She smiled. Yes, maybe Lincoln's plan wasn't so bad after all. If things worked out in her favor, she'd be killing two birds with one stone.

"Fine."

"What?" Lincoln asked, not believing his ears after all of Lori's vehement objections.

Lori smirked. "I'll do it…but on one condition."

Clyde nodded rapidly, not caring what he'd have to do to live out his dream of being Lori's boyfriend. Lincoln nodded, as well, but far more composed.

"Lincoln, leave us alone for a few minutes. I need to talk to Clyde. That's my condition."

"Lori, my dazzling angel, in this enclosed space? Alone? With me?" Clyde swooned, ready to faint. "Pinch me, I must be dreaming."

Lincoln reached out to shake hands with Lori and once they did, he turned to leave them alone like Lori wanted.

"Whatever you say, Lori. I'll see you guys later."

Lori waited for Lincoln to finally leave and the second she did, she ordered Clyde, "Stop."

She had managed to catch Clyde about to ramble on in animated delight and wanted to put an end to it right away.

"Before you say or do anything…I want to ask you something and I want you to be completely honest," Lori said seriously and motioned for him to sit on Lincoln's bed.

"Anything for you, my dearest," Clyde complied obediently.

Lori fought the urge to shiver at the big grin that Clyde had on for her, but she still had resolve in what she was going to say to Clyde next. Hopefully, this would all work out in her favor.

"It's obvious that you don't like Lola the same way she likes you. So tell me, Clyde, do you find Lola's advances to be bothersome?" Lori asked as she took a seat on the edge of Lincoln's bed.

Clyde winced. Even though he owed Lori his honesty, since she was offering him her assistance, that didn't make the truth any less painful to have to say.

"To tell you the truth, kinda," Clyde said sadly. "I mean, I don't hate Lola or anything but I wish she realized that I don't like her the same way. Sure, I haven't told her directly, 'cause I'm afraid I'll hurt her feelings in the worst way with the honest truth, but still, I just wished she didn't feel that way about me. It hurts having to see her pine after me when I know that our love will never be."

Despite his angst, Lori smiled. It looked like he was getting it.

"Welcome to my world," she said.

Clyde hadn't expected her to reply with that and could only ask, "Huh?"

Lori's smile was replaced by a stern frown. "Clyde, do you realize how difficult it is for me to deal with you sometimes? Every time you come around here, I have to do my best to duck and hide from you because I know that the moment you see me, you're gonna try to woo me and do you know what's gonna happen next?"

Clyde sheepishly nodded. "Uh-huh."

"I'll have to tell you, as plainly as possible, that I don't love you and that I never will. Sometimes, I have to literally spell it out for you and yet you still don't seem to get it."

Stirred on by what appeared to be a breakthrough, Lori pressed on with more vigor in her tone.

"Do you think I like being the bad guy? Do you think I like having to dash your hopes all the time? I don't find it amusing, Clyde. I really just want you to take a hint by realizing that I've drawn the line in the sand a long time ago and that you need to stop crossing it. You and I? We'll never be together. And you know what? I don't feel that way because I hate you. I just don't love you. It's just that simple. You feel the same way about Lola, right?"

It took him a few seconds to do so but Clyde affirmed his feelings with a humble nod.

"See? It's literally the same thing. So, when I help you out of this bind, I want you to consider my feelings from now on, Clyde. Love's not just about how _you_ feel. It's about being kind and considerate about the other person, too. When you keep ignoring the feelings of others for your own sake, you're not loving anyone but yourself and that's not love at all."

She placed a hand on Clyde's shoulder and wagged a finger at him with the other.

"That's selfishness."

Clyde flinched in shame, his face twisted in agony.

"Do you understand?" Lori asked with less sturdiness to her voice.

"Y-yeah," Clyde said feebly. "I understand.

Spreading her arms wide open, Lori beamed.

"Good. Come here. You look like you could use a hug."

Unlike any granted opportunity to hug Lori, this time, Clyde barely showed any hustle. He simply crawled over to her and limply leaned against her. Lori flinched as Clyde began to sob into her shirt but otherwise, hugged Clyde like she promised.

She didn't count the minutes that flew by as they sat there, the only noise being made coming from Clyde's muffled crying.

Finally, he unpeeled his face from her midriff and sniffled.

"I'm sorry, Lori," he cried weakly. "I'm so sorry. I…I had no idea."

"It's alright," Lori said soothingly. "Like I said, I don't hate you."

"But still…" Clyde's statement was broken by another sniffle. "…I know we'll never be together, but it's gonna be so hard to get over you. I don't know if I can do it."

Lori let one of her hands ruffle Clyde's hair gently.

"Don't worry about that, okay? You'll find someone who'll feel the same way about you. Who knows? They might be going to your school already."

The assurance didn't give Clyde much hope but regardless, he had to be strong so that he could move on. Lori's was the first person he ever had love for and it was a love that he now knew was never meant to be. It stung to know that not only would Lori never feel the same way about him but that all this time, he was acting like such a pest. Yes, he had been rejected countless times to have good enough hint to know that he wasn't much of a contender, but he had deluded himself into thinking that she either didn't know better or that she was just playing hard to get.

No, his entire idea of love was a _lie_. He had been selfish all this time and hadn't once thought to consider what Lori wanted. It was a bitter pill to swallow and it was a taste of reality that he didn't want Lola to experience.

Lincoln's new plan? It just _had_ to work.

' _Please, please, please, let it work.'_

* * *

 _A few minutes later…_

"Lola?! Lola, open up!" Lincoln shouted as he banged the bedroom of his Clyde-obsessed sister.

He stood back just in time for him to miss the door smacking him in the face as Lola opened it roughly.

"Why does everyone keep pestering me today?!" she yelled. "It is _seriously_ getting old!"

Jumping up and down and pointing at the stairs, Lincoln said, "Lola, there's something you need to see in the living room! Lori's back!"

"What?!" Lola screeched. "My spell was supposed to work!"

Lincoln followed behind Lola as she thundered down the stairs. Once they made it at the bottom, Lincoln stood aside by the bottom step as Lola's clomping came to a halt once she saw what was in front of her.

True to Lincoln's word, Lori was there but to make matters worse, so was Clyde. Clyde being around was inherently the problem for Lola, however. It was what Clyde was doing that made Lola freeze in place. They were looking into each other's eyes and…and…holding hands.

It was just as Lola feared. Lori had beaten her to the punch.

"Oh, Clyde!" Lori exclaimed.

"Oh, Lori!" Clyde cried.

"Clyde, is there a treasure on this Earth greater than our love?" Lori asked animatedly.

"None, my darling. Nothing compares to our unbridled passion," Clyde replied.

"Then let us stare into each other's eyes for an eternity!"

"Yes! Let us do so!"

They brought themselves even closer to each other as they scooted towards the other. Lori couldn't help but break character and involuntarily twitch a little smirk and snigger quitely from the hammy quality of both of their acting performances.

However, what she _hadn't_ realized was that Lola had caught that.

"What…what is the meaning of this?" Lola asked lowly.

Lori, thinking that she and Clyde hadn't been seen through, continued the charade as if nothing were amiss. "I'm sorry, Lola, but Clyde cannot bare to be with you for his heart beats for the fair maiden before you!"

Lola stomped her foot down furiously and seethed.

"No!" she shouted. "That's not what I meant! What kind of fool do you take me for?! Do you really think I'd fall for something like this, some amateur hour acting?!"

Lori, Lincoln, and Clyde looked at each other in panic, faltering at their ruse being uncovered.

"And you!" Lola bellowed as she pointed at a trembling Clyde. "Do you hate me so much that you had to make this whole thing up just to get away from me?! Do I disgust you _that_ much?!"

Clyde's quivering stopped right away as his fear melted away, leaving only the chagrin that was caused from the one thing he wanted to spare Lola of: hurt feelings.

He leapt off the couch, aiming to get over to Lola and comfort her.

"Lola, I-"

Lola took a huge step back. Her eyes were misty and it didn't take long for tears to start leaking out.

"Get away from me! I hate you! Just…just…leave me alone!"

Lola stormed off, not bothering to run nor stop as Clyde shouted, "Lola, wait!"

He watched helplessly as Lola angrily sauntered up the stairs and Lincoln didn't have it in him to stop her…

And Clyde couldn't blame him. What were they going say? That they were sorry? Yes, while he was sure that they were all very sorry, that didn't mean that Lola would even care to believe it.

Once they heard a door slamming shut, most likely Lola's bedroom door, Lori guiltily rested her heavy head in her hands and groaned.

"I can't believe I went along with this. I should've known better," Lori said in grief and anger at herself. "Yeah, Lola was a bit looney, so maybe the direct approach wouldn't have worked, but still, I broke my sister's heart. And what's worse, I got through to Clyde after I just straight up told him what he needed to hear and yet I couldn't even give my own sister the same chance by just staying out of the way."

"Don't blame yourself. It was my dumb plan that got us into this," Lincoln said sorrowfully. "We should've just been upfront with her from the beginning."

Clyde wasn't keen on pinning the blame on anyone but himself. It was his responsibility to handle and he let it get out of control by not doing the right thing from the start.

Once he saw Lori get up from her seat, Clyde stopped her by putting his arm up to block her from going any further.

"Where are you going, Lori?"

"I need to see Lola," she replied, eager to make things right.

Clyde shook his head. "No. Let _me_ talk to her. It has to be me. I'm the one who hurt her the most."

He flashed a smile at her, despite everything that had just transpired.

"And on top of that, I learned a lot from you today, and I think I know what she's going through right now. I need to do this by myself, Lori."

With that, Clyde shuffled towards the staircase and cast Lincoln a look of commitment before he began his leisurely trek up the stairs.

It was time to finally set the record straight once and for all. Even if Lola probably wanted nothing to do with him, it was task that needed to be done.

* * *

With wobbly legs and a thumping heart, Clyde slowly but surely stood before Lola and Lana's bedroom. He didn't know exactly where Lola ran off to so checking her room was at the top of his list. And sure enough, even though a door separated him from seeing whatever was inside, he could hear the sound of faint sobbing. He didn't need anyone to tell him who it was that was crying and he certainly didn't need to anyone to remind him of why this was all happening in the first place.

Instantly, his nervousness yielded to the guilt and shame that afflicted him since Lola ran away in tears. He had imagined that approaching Lola right now would be the same, or even more dangerous, than swimming in a lake full of crocodiles but given how he had been such a brainless idiot today, he couldn't pretend that his responsibility shouldn't present consequences.

Determined to see this through, he tapped his fist against the door a few times. Each light tap made his nerves tingle and throb.

"Go away!" came the harsh response emitting from the room.

Clyde grimaced. She sounded absolutely heartbroken. It was way worse than he thought.

"Lola?" Clyde called, opting not to knock on the door anymore to get Lola's attention.

"I told you to go away!"

"Lola, look, I'm really sorry about what I-"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!"

Sighing, Clyde knew that there was only one thing left to do and that was wait. He wasn't going anywhere until he said what needed to be said. He didn't give any thought to how long he'd have to do it but all he knew was that he was hopeful that perhaps, if he just stood out there and gave Lola some more time to wallow in her grief, she'd be open to hear him out.

* * *

By the time twenty minutes had flashed by, Clyde felt that now was the time to speak. He leaned against the door, his face pressing into the cool, smooth wood of the door.

"Lola, I realize you're angry at me and you have every right to be. I should've told you how I really felt from the start. Yeah, you would've been really sad but at least you wouldn't be feeling sad, betrayed, and humiliated like you are right now."

He took a pause, wondering if Lola was listening to him. He couldn't hear weeping from her and since he wasn't told to leave her alone, that was an encouraging sign that she had to have been listening to her.

"So," he continued. "I'm going to set the record straight like I should've from the beginning."

Recalling Lori's words from earlier, Clyde explained, "Lola, I don't like you the way that you may or may not still like me. That's just the way it is. And believe me, it's not because I hate you. It's just the way that I am."

Clyde waited for Lola to reply but when she didn't, he recommenced speaking from the heart.

"And believe it or not, I know exactly how you feel. I've been crushing on Lori for years and I always wanted to believe that I had a chance with her. All I had to do was block out the truth and be persistent with my pursuits. But all I was doing was lying to myself and making Lori feel bad every time I was around.

So, just in case you might have feelings for me, I just want you to know that you should never ignore anyone's feelings for your own because when all you do is pay attention to yourself, you can never truly love. That's what Lori taught me today and it's a lesson that everyone needs to be reminded of whenever they get the chance."

By the end of his speech, his back was leaning against the door as he sat on the floor, his legs curled up to his chest. Having to be reminded of all those instances of annoying Lori didn't do much to raise his own spirits and it left him too dejected to even have the strength to stand.

"I'm sorry, Lola. I really am. I hope you can forgive me after everything I put you through today."

Clyde didn't get the chance to react in time when he felt the solid frame of the door suddenly vanish. He yelped as he fell back on the floor, thumping his head on the way down. He groaned as a wave of dull, aching pain rattled his skull.

"What did you mean by 'everything'?"

He snapped his focus on looking up and as luck would have it, there was Lola, standing over him with a frown and her hands on her hips. Clyde quickly rose to his feet, careful not to stand up too fast and accidentally knock Lola down in the process.

That certainly wouldn't get him on her good side.

"Remember the mud thing? And the poem? And the bad jokes?" Clyde asked.

"Uh-huh."

Clyde looked down at the floor in shame. "I did all of that to try to get you to stop crushing on me. I didn't want to make you feel bad by telling you the truth, so I tried to make it easy by getting you to hate me."

Lola glared. "Well, it worked. Your little play with Lori did the trick."

"Yeah, I figured it did," Clyde groaned.

It was official. Lola hated him and didn't have a crush on him anymore but at what cost? Her dignity and self-respect got trampled on and left her feeling like dirt. No matter what apologies Clyde could offer Lola, there was no fixing that.

Figuring that Lola didn't want to see him anymore, Clyde turned around to walk away and just go home.

"At least, it worked for a few minutes."

He froze in place in an instant.

' _Did she just say what I thought she said?'_ Clyde thought.

Slowly, he pivoted around to face Lola again. To his disbelief, instead of unbridled fury carved on her face, it was a medley of longing and sadness.

"You really hurt my feelings, Clyde." Lola said, her eyes wide. "You, Lori, and Lincoln were really mean to me."

She took a few steps forward, not once breaking her gaze away from Clyde.

"But still, I'm not really angry anymore. I'm just sad that you don't like me the same way that I like you."

Clyde's breath hitched in his throat when Lola did something that he hadn't anticipated; she hugged him, wrapping her arms around his legs tightly.

"Can you promise me something, Clyde?" she asked without looking at him.

Clyde smiled, reaching down a hand to pet her on the head. "Of course."

"Even if you don't like me like I like you, can you at least be my Prince Charming and protect me from all those bees?"

Clyde chuckled. That was an easy enough promise to keep. After all, an early marriage terrified him way more than a few bees ever could and he felt assured that he wouldn't have to worry about the former anymore.

"Lola, I'll keep you safe from an entire hive if I have to," he promised warmly.

With that, he returned Lola's hug. It wasn't just for her, though. They _both_ needed this. They were both victims of the sting of unrequited love and needed some comfort. Maybe someday, they'd be able to move on from their respective crushes but for now, at least they'd have each other to ease the misery.

* * *

Having watched the entire scene unfold from afar, Lori quietly slipped away from her hiding spot at the staircase, trudging down the stairs as silently as possible.

A grin tugged at her lips. _'Not bad, McBride. Not bad.'_

Lincoln who was with Lori, followed behind her.

' _What a relief,'_ he thought. _'Even though things took quite a bumpy ride, I'm just happy that everything's back to normal now.'_

Just as he was about to hit the bottom step, Luan's voice called out for him. Lincoln noted the sinister tone and instantly went rigid from fear at what she pronounced.

"Oh, Lincoln? Is this _sweat_ that I'm seeing splotched all over my book?"

"Uh-oh."

* * *

 **A/N:** Funny, usually, it's the birthday boy that's supposed to get all the presents but if you enjoyed this humble tale, then I suppose you're all getting the gift instead of me. Aren't I just weird like that?

Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this fanfic. There was a little bit of inspiration from the _Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy_ episode, "A Ed Too Many". You may or may not have been reminded of that episode when you were reading this but just in case you were, I just wanted to ensure you that you're not going insane.


End file.
